Road Block

A few initial comments:
- I seem to speed up when i'm tired. It's better to take a break rather than go faster than the metronome.
- When an exercise is too difficult nothing is learnt.

SO. Today. A tragic road block has struck.

I turned back through many of the studies I have been able to play quite well over the past few months and found limited and contained by the metronome scale work i have been doing. Perhaps it is more intune and time but it feels lifeless. The instrument feels wooden and simple and even though the sound is being produced well I can't make it sing. I feel as though the past few months have been a complete waste of time. I feel as though i'll never be able to progress.

Incredible frustrated. I want to be able to play complex music in front of friends and others and I can feel my body closing up at the thought.

So many thoughts running through my head...
- There are no short cuts. this will just take a lot of time.
- Perhaps i should do less practice. (only 1 hour per day).
- Perhaps I should do simpler practice.
- Perhaps I should I consider doing a limited amount of repertoire per week.
- Maybe I'll never really improve. Perhaps I'm just maintain a poor standard.
- I freeze up in front of anyone.
- I barely enjoy practicing.
- I'm exhausted.
- My body is sore. My back aches.
- I see a distinction between my 'metronome train' playing and my 'personal emotion' playing and any progress in one doesn't seem to translate into the other.
- My bowing arm feels stiff. My sounds is flat. My shifts are rigid. My intonation is rushed.

FUCK THIS.

I need to play for my own enjoyment. I NEED TO ENJOY PLAYING. I need to enjoy playing. I need to stop trying to play better. I need to stop practicing in order to improve, but rather, practice to enjoy the sound of the violin and my body.

THERE IS NO RUSH.

I've gotta break the habit of; playing through an exercise in order to improve. I've gotta enjoy the exercise or not do it at all.

Practicing without enjoyment is to train the body without engaging the mind. This results in a split between personal music and shared music. This kills the music and makes it impossible to share.

What level am I? What should I be practicing? What is going to make me more comfortable with my violin? How can I approach my practice to ensure confidence?

PRACTICING AT THE RIGHT TEMPO IS SO INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT. PERFORMING AT THE RIGHT TEMPO IS SO INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT. DON'T RUSH THIS. DON'T RUSH LIFE.
- Playing slow is boring and tiring.
- Playing fast is rushed and meaningless. And not impressive.

Play slower.

All practice should to be judged as performance and all performance should be judged as practice.

The strange thing is... I've been here before. This sensation of simply not being able to play the violin is tragic. WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?

Another interesting observation; I feel like there is nothing i can practice that will help me improve and that is so incredibly frustrating.
- Scales
- Shifting
- Bowing

Without the above I get worse. With the above I get worse. WTF?!

The biggest tragedy is that even though i practice and improve. When I perform it all goes out the window! How do I perform in a practicing mindset?! FUCK